


Acceptance isn't easy (but definitely worth it)

by lemonjun



Category: Cravity (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, But its minhee centric, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, There arent enough cravity fics, but its not super serious, other x1 members will make a small cameo, yujin and wonyoung are kinda in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26715940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonjun/pseuds/lemonjun
Summary: Minhee wants to be normal. He wants to be the average college student, bogged down with studies and stress about the future. However, when love gets into the equation, Minhee isn't exactly cookie-cutter standard, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.
Relationships: Kang Minhee/Song Hyeongjun
Comments: 18
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this is pretty bad  
> Hope you enjoy tho!

_ “Why did I ever get close to you? You disgusting creature!” _

_ He hears the impact of a fist on his face, too numb to feel his cheek slowly beginning to swell. His world blurs, ears ringing as the spiteful words become white noise. Metal thuds to the floor. A door is slammed shut. He can’t breathe, tears pricking his eyes as he begins to hyperventilate. His world spins, and he can only focus on a red blob slowly moving out of distance, color fading. _

_ Help. _

**_Help._ **

Minhee wakes up, greeted by the sound of his roommate yelling at him to get his ass out of bed. Or so it sounds. (He secretly hopes that one day aliens will take him away from this godforsaken Earth.)

“Minhee, your alarm clock has been ringing for the past 15 minutes and if you do not turn that thing off it will not be the only thing getting pulverized this morning.”

He groggily sits up, disabling said demon tool before deadpanning.

“Well good morning to you too Jungmo hyung. Is breakfast ready?”

Jungmo, clad with a plaid apron, huffs. “Yes, breakfast is ready. I’ll start eating first.” Minhee watches as Jungmo shuffles out of the room, muttering under his breath how he needs to get a better roommate. Minhee smirks.  _ The tsundere in him is coming out. _

“Love you too Jungmo! <3”

“Please never say <3 out loud again.” Jungmo sounds annoyed and disappointed, but Minhee knows that Jungmo is secretly amused and will most likely be repeating it for the next 2 weeks.  _ Silly Jungmo. _

He sits on the bed, hair disheveled and expression looking like the “no thoughts head empty” meme. The analog clock across the room - Minhee somehow still knows how to decipher those - reads 10:39, meaning he has a full hour before he had to get to class. Of course, as a responsible university Sophomore living in 2020, his first thought of the day is to huddle back into his blankets and look at Tiktoks for the next half hour or until his for you page becomes a weird mix of cursed videos and Charli D’Amelio.

He finally shuffles out of bed, slouching down the hallway and into the warmly lit living room. Nothing too fancy, just a standard suite college dorm (Minhee and Jungmo are honors students so they get special privileges like having a nicer dorm.) The sweet smell of pancakes and coffee wafted through the room, silence enveloping the room. _Jungmo-hyung probably went out to buy groceries. He must be in a good mood; he actually remembered to make me coffee today._ Minhee silently thanks Jungmo for saving him $4 on his daily trip to the local coffee shop. He slowly chews, taking in and thoroughly enjoying the serene ambience of the “pest-free dorm.” It was a good day: blue skies without a single cloud, temperature warm, air quality clean. The soft sunlight streaming into the room felt like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket. No wonder Jungmo made him coffee.

He and Jungmo had been living together ever since they were assigned roommates in his freshman year. When Jungmo gasped upon seeing the gangly teen in his room and yelled “What are you doing in my swamp?!” Minhee knew that they would be very good friends. 

Long story short, Jungmo and Minhee did, in fact, become good friends. Them along with 7 other boys are inseparable. The boys often frequent Minhee and Jungmos’ room for rendezvous get-togethers, consequently trashing the place and earning noise complaints. Minhee hopes that they don’t get kicked out because he doesn’t want to get demoted to being forced to share a room with multiple people. He can’t handle more than one Jungmo.

The squad consists of: Serim, Allen, Jungmo, Woobin, Wonjin, Minhee, Hyeongjun, Taeyoung, and Seongmin. Serim and Allen are the seniors of the group. Minhee promotes them to having two brain cells each because they’re actually responsible. Then there are the juniors: Jungmo, Woobin, and Wonjin -- aka the bad influences excluding Woobin. Their most recent additions, Taeyoung and Seongmin, are two freshmen who were already joined at the hip upon meeting them. (When they first saw the freshies, Wonjin immediately gasped, squealed, then proceeded to run up to Seongmin, offering to buy him ice cream and asking for the poor child’s name and number.) Their squad was so notorious to the point where teachers who never taught them knew who they were, just because of how much ruckus they caused everywhere. He reckons that at least 90% of the university staff recognizes their faces as the trouble children. Minhee pities his current coding professor because he has to deal with 6 of the brats for a full semester.

And then there was Hyeongjun, a quintessential member of the squad. Hyeongjun is, well, everything. He’s a social butterfly, seemingly sweet yet bashful on the surface, but Minhee knows Hyeongjun can be the weirdest of them all, harboring far too many memes in his camera roll. He always adds to the fun, making quirky statements that get everyone roaring with laughter. Additionally, he’s incredibly reliable and endearing. Need help on homework and hyungs aren’t available? Hyeongjun will let you copy. Want to go out at 1 am and buy some snacks? He will be there within 10 min. Everyone dotes on him, but who can help it? Hyeongjun has the deadliest set of puppy eyes, (which Minhee thinks makes him the most powerful person in the group.) And if Hyeongjun is also very, very good looking? That’s just icing on top of the cake. Hyeongjun is perfect in every aspect.  _ God probably gave Hyeongjun too much amazing juice when making him.  _ Whenever Minhee lays his eyes on Hyeongjun -- pouty lips and glistening eyes on full display -- he just wants to boop his nose and coo at how adorable he is. Hyeongjun makes  _ the Kang Minhee  _ soft. Hyeongjun was one of Minhee’s favorite friends, and he secretly hopes that the two of them will stay close for the rest of their lives.

The clock reads 11:14 after eating and getting ready. Minhee slips on his white sneakers before locking the door and strutting outside. The air smells sweet, free of the pollution that normally disturbs the scent.  _ Summer’s coming.  _ He inserts his earbuds, clicking on his feel-good playlist, letting the good vibes radiate within as he walks to his class.

\---

Minhee strolls into the lecture hall, grimacing at the pungency of the old room. The class was filled with a low buzz of students chatting with another. He glanced around to find his friends. Normally, spotting a specific person in a sea of similar-looking heads is about as hard as playing Where’s Waldo: Extreme Mode, and who doesn’t love mistakenly calling out a stranger who they thought was their friend? However, Minhee suddenly hears someone shriek “WATER IS NOT WET!”  _ Ah, that’s where they are.  _ He struts down the stairs, tiptoeing in the aisles while silently praying he doesn’t knock over a water bottle all over a random person. (He’s done it before, that’s why he’s extra careful.)

“Seongmin, water is wet. How else would it make other things wet? It transfers its moistness to another object.”

“Taeyoung, first of all, please never say moistness again. Second, I’m telling you, water is not wet! Objects are wet when they have water on them, and you can’t put water on water!”

“Guys, please, everyone is staring at you. Let’s talk about it lat-“

“No, Serim. I’m not going to stop until Taeyoung agrees that water isn’t wet!”

He sighs. Another typical day of chaoticness within his friend group. This time it’s the maknaes duking it out with a question that is about as easy to answer as whether the egg or the chicken came first (which by the way, they have argued multiple times about. Minhee doesn’t want to remember those bad memories.)

“Hello, what are the demon children doing now?”

His remark was met with three long-winded sighs and two “hey!”s. Seongmin and Taeyoung, both red-faced, chant in unison:

“Minhee-hyung, answer us honestly. Is water wet?”

Minhee can see Serim and Woobins’ audible sigh. Sometimes he wonders how hard it is for them to parent everyone else, but that second of pity is cast away when Minhee thinks about every single trouble they’ve given him as soon as a drop of alcohol touches their lips.

“Don’t bother, you’ll only upset the other more.” Woobin looks tired, like he just witnessed WW3 happen within the span of 30 minutes. Minhee decides not to question what was happening between the 5 of them before his arrival while making a mental note to placate his hyungs later by buying them coffee. Taeyoung and Seongmin whine about needing a third opinion in the debate of the century but Minhee tunes them out to maintain his sanity. “Take a seat, there’s an empty one next to Hyeongjun.”  _ Oh shit. Abort mission, I repeat, abort abort abort. _

“Mini-yah, what are you doing? You’ve been staring at me for the past minute. Maybe you’ve figured out whether water is wet?”

Minhee’s breath hitches, mind whirring. He feels like a startled anime character, head slowly moving to face the person before screaming. If his brain had hands, they would be slipping. Don’t get him wrong, he loves Hyeongjun. He loves how Hyeongjun brightens everywhere he goes, all smiley and adorable. He loves everything about him: from the way he crinkles his nose to how he makes the most dramatic reactions. However, Minhee doesn’t exactly like interacting with Hyeongjun. He prefers to adore from a distance.

“I thought I did, but then Taeyoung’s rebuttal came to mind.” Minhee just wants to crumple into a ball and disappear.  _ You sound so snobby, who even says rebuttal?  _ Hyeongjun’s curious gaze at him only furthered his internal combustion. 

Hyeongjun ushers Minhee to come sit down with him, which Minhee obliges. Every detail was magnified: Hyeongjun’s shallow breaths, eyebrows furrowed at trying to figure out why his code is returning errors, Hyeongjun, Hyeongjun,  _ Hyeongjun.  _ It was as though the bustling environment of the room suddenly turned silent just for Minhee to observe and admire. He doesn’t know what to say; his throat is dry, and his brain can’t seem to string a complete thought together.  _ Being awkward is a bitch.  _ All Minhee can do is pray that Hyeongjun says something to diffuse the silence.

_ Like awkward silence. Caw caw caw (stan skz for clear skin) _

“Oh? Minhee, I can’t seem to figure out why my code isn’t working. Could you please help?”  _ I must be going crazy.  _ Minhee  _ swears _ he feels a thiccc tension between the two of them, but the way Hyeongjun placidly smiles at him makes him reconsider. Probably just a “him” problem.

“Yeah, let me take a look.”

He peers over the lines of code, checking over every character. Well, he’s trying to pretend like he is, but Minhee’s inner monologue is not-so-secretly going awry with panic.  _ He’s so close do I smell okay? What if Hyeongjun finds a bald spot and judges me? What if -  _

“So, what do you think?”

Minhee snaps out of his thoughts, finally diverting his attention to the code he was seemingly peering at. Too much Hyeongjun, not enough being a mentally stable decent friend. 

“Hm, seems like you forgot a semicolon over here. Java’s annoying like that ha - ha -.”

_ God, why do I sound so cringey whenever I talk? How can I even laugh so dryly? Just remove my mouth while you’re at it, 90% of the world’s noise pollution would disappear - _

Hyeongjun chuckles, fingers moving furiously over the keyboard, and Minhee thinks he can hear the angel bells ringing. “It works now! Thank you so much Minhee!”

“Yeah, no problem.” 

Minhee mentally facepalms. Can’t he sound just a little more appreciative? He just wants to redo that interaction, several better responses buzzing in his head.  _ No problem, let me know if you have any other questions. It’s okay, coding is hard at first. You got thi- _

“Alright, let’s get started. Today we will be learning about inheritance.”

Minhee lets out a sigh of relief.  _ Give all my blessings to the best professor ever, Dr. Cho.  _

\---

This isn’t the first time Minhee has acted so rigidly when around Hyeongjun. Ever since meeting him in their freshman year, Minhee has been the same: that is, being in monkey brain state as long as Hyeongjun is near him. In fact, his awkward ass managed to reward him with a much unwanted interrogation from Woobin after the lecture. 

“Mini, I’ve always wondered, but are you uncomfortable around Hyeongjun? You’re always awkward around him. Is there anything you don’t like about him?”

Minhee heaves, feeling as though what little soul he has left being sucked out of him from that question.  _ Curse Woobin and his psychic level perception.  _ Grasping Dr. Cho’s hellish lecture had already taken a toll on him, and Minhee does not have the mental capacity to answer such a personal question. Frankly, Minhee does not get paid enough to work in the shithole that is known as his quirky college life. He so badly wants to snap at his hyung.  _ Yes, I feel uncomfortable around him but it’s a me problem that I don’t want to think about. Don’t worry hyung, I’m 100% okay. That’d be good.  _ Funny. Of course Woobin wouldn’t stop with that answer. Woobin is caring, and will stop at nothing to help his friends be the best they can. But Minhee doesn’t want to confront this problem, not when he’s so vulnerable.

Not when he doesn’t understand himself.

He grits his teeth, trying to take a breath as discreetly as possible to calm himself down without setting off Woobin’s mama bear alarms.

“No worries, Hyeongjun’s a good friend. Just haven’t had a coffee yet and my one brain cell is occupied by how fucking hard that lecture was.”

Woobin gives him a weary eye, and Minhee can  _ smell  _ doubt in his gaze. His hands begin to sweat, and he feels like a kid who just got caught lying to his parents (which isn’t so far from the actual situation.) He almost regrets lying to Woobin - he’s already had his coffee, but more importantly he  _ is  _ anxious around Hyeongjun. Every sense is heightened, thoughts are in shambles, and Minhee can literally hear his mind saying  _ Uh oh another stress reaction. Time to seize up and increase blood pressure. Oh no brain malfunctioning!  _ Taking everything off his chest would make him feel better, but would it make anyone else feel better?  _ If people knew what went on in my mind, I’d probably lose all my friends. They can’t know. _

His ears wait in anticipation for what response Woobin will give.  _ Please don’t pry, please don’t pry, please don’t pry. _

“Alright, whatever. I fear an uncaffeinated Minhee so why don’t we get coffee right now? My treat. Let’s bring everyone else as well.”

Minhee internally cheers. Not only has Woobin gotten off his tail, (for now) he gets another shot of caffeine, and who in their right mind would reject free coffee? He cracks open a smile, Woobin quickly following suit. 

“Sure! I’ll text the group chat right now.”

\---

Turns out Minhee doesn’t get his extra dose of life motivation when Jungmo, Wonjin, Taeyoung, and Seongmin decide to throw a fit about wanting to go bowling. Hell, even Hyeongjun started pleading, and how can anyone deny Hyeongjun?

Adrenaline running high, tickets paid, black lights on full display, the group took a seat in front of the lane. Up in front was Wonjin, running his hands over the control panel.

“Hyung, why’d you make me go first?? I’m embarrassed.” Although he wasn’t looking, Minhee could hear Seongmin pouting.

“This is tyranny, how come you named me dumbass? I’m clearly the smartest one here!”

Wonjin cackles in delight, hands rubbing together as if he is thinking “mission accomplished!”

“Hyung just wants to see you bowlllll, pleaseeeeee?” 

“Fine, I would’ve beaten you guys anyways.”

“What about me being a dumba-”

“No one cares Jungmo hyung.”  _ Yikes, better stay on Wonjin’s good side.  _ Minhee isn’t particularly fond of being babied, but it’s much better than dealing with Wonjin’s evil mode.

As the two continued to bicker, everyone else began to cheer for their dear maknae.

“Seongmin-ah, fighting!”

“Bowl confidently! You got this!”

He takes three steps back, holding the ball in front before loading his arm and smoothly rolling the ball. It glides across the oiled lane, slightly curving right then curving back to center, before it slams into the pins with a loud  _ Crack! _

“Whoa Seongmin!!! A strike?? Who knew you were so good at bowling?”

Seongmin struts back while licking his lips, eyes glinting. 

“Of course! I’ve beaten Taeyoung every time we played back in high school.”

“Hey! I’ll win this time, just watch me.”

“Alright, loser buys everyone boba after this.”

“I suddenly feel the need to leave, bye guys-”

“HEY!!”

Everyone laughs at the kid’s banter. The two really clicked together; it’s no wonder they managed to stay close for all the years they’ve known each other, except Wonjin has already jumped on Seongmin while simultaneously coddling him. Minhee hopes that Seongmin hasn’t suffocated yet. 

\---

After their wearisome game (which Taeyoung miserably lost at,) the boys huddled towards the nearest boba cafe. Minhee can see Taeyoung dazing out, probably worrying about how seemingly light his wallet is now.

_ Ah, finally some peace and quiet. I think I’ve burned 3 months worth of energy within the past hour.  _

“Someone asked me out today.”

_ Maybe not. _

Minhee’s ears perk in curiosity. He’s never been too big on gossip, but this is  _ Hyeongjun  _ they’re talking about. If he got a girlfriend then Minhee would cheer for him all the way. Of course, as a good friend. He’s surprised though; Normally it’s Serim or Jungmo talking about getting asked out. Both of them were blessed with good looks, killer senses of style, and gracious personalities that make everyone swoon.

Jungmo wiggles his eyebrows, being slightly too interested in the tea. “Ooooh, of course someone asked Hyeongjunnie out ~ did you say yes? Wow, please don’t ditch us for your girlfriend-”

Hyeongjun blushes, bright pink dusting the apples of his cheeks. He looks down, lopsided smile on his face as if he was reliving the memory.  _ He looks happy. _

“Yeah, I really like her too! We aren’t dating yet but I could definitely see it in the future.”

_ Wow, he must be serious. Good for him. _

The group collectively goes silent, slowly absorbing his words. Minhee thinks that they weren’t actually taking him seriously in the beginning.

“WHAT?!”

“This is scandalous! Our Hyeongjun, growing up?! Hyeongjun, only eye contact for the first six months okay?”

“Who who who who who???”

“Wow I can’t believe Song Hyeongjun got a girlfriend before me? What is this mistreatment?”

Hyeongjun squirms, clearly uncomfortable by the attention his overbearing friends are forcing on him.

“Jang Wonyoung, she’s a sophomore like me.” (Let’s pretend that she’s the same age)

Minhee knows Wonyoung. Pretty, tall, and smart to boot. He constantly hears guys dreaming to one day get together with her. She and Hyeongjun would make a good couple: cute looks paired with their equally bubbly personalities. 10/10 campus couple material.

Then why? Why isn’t Minhee excited for him? Hyeongjun is right in front of him, beaming as he gushes about his crush on Wonyoung. He can see how enamored he is, bouncing around in excitement . Yet, all Minhee can focus on is him and Hyeongjun standing together, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves.  _ I’m a terrible friend, I thought of myself first before thinking about Hyeongjun’s happiness.  _

Why can’t he see them together? When he tries imagining the couple, his brain wires back to that picture of him with Hyeongjun. Why, instead of feeling happy, he feels sick? Why is his gut churning in dread, butterflies stuck at the pit of his stomach? Why, why, why?

_ Oh. _

Gears are turning in Minhee’s head as pieces start to click together. It was as though the puzzle named “Why am I so damn nervous around Hyeongjun” was finally completed, the missing piece seamlessly fitting into the hole. Of course, Minhee was around other amazing people, but he was just awkward when Hyeongjun was there. Despite that, Minhee loves everything about him; even miniscule details most people wouldn’t notice. 

He feels nervous around Hyeongjun. He doesn’t feel nervous around anyone else. Although his lungs collapse every time he sees the boy, he can’t get enough and wants to be with him 24/7. 

He thought it was just him being endearing towards a friend. He thought it was only a platonic feeling of wanting to get closer. He thought it was just a lapse of his introverted self, unable to handle the being that is Song Hyeongjun. He thought he wouldn’t be like this anymore. He thought he’d stop loathing himself by being normal. He thought it was  _ working,  _ until it wasn’t.

It feels so damn obvious now that he’s realized it. Minhee would normally laugh, clowning at how ironic the situation was. This time though, he’s the boo boo fool that broke one of his promises to himself.

_ Oh no.  _

_ This can’t be happening. Again. _

An onslaught of repressed emotions: fear, self-hatred, confusion, disgust, sadness, hits Minhee like a truck, and he can’t breathe. His heart is thrumming loudly, breaths becoming shallower and faster paced. His body is shivering all over, but he doesn’t have the strength to scream. Heck, he probably couldn’t even talk if he tried to. Everything is turning foggier; the relaxing hum of the cafe sounds more distant, the crisp outlines of his friends blurrier. He feels  _ weak.  _ Of course he had to get a panic attack in a public place while hanging out with friends.

_I don’t like Hyeongjun. I don’t like guys. I can’t_ _like guys. I can’t risk losing everyone. Again._

“Minhee, are you okay? You don’t look so well..”

_ Is that Hyeongjun? I can’t tell… everything is spinning. _

“How are you feelin-”

Minhee’s world goes black.

  
  


_ Bonus: _

The eight other boys stood over Minhee, eyes wide in shock as he suddenly loses consciousness. He had been abnormally quiet, but no one expected him to flat out collapse.

“Oh my god, um what should we do???!!”

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR I REPEAT DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR”

“IS THAT WHERE YOU PUMP THEIR HEART REALLY HARD”

“YES”

“OKAY I CAN DO IT BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO SING STAYING ALIVE FOR ME”

“AH AH AH AH STAYING ALIVE STAYING ALIVE”

“YES SEONGMIN LOUDER WE CAN WAKE HIM UP FROM THE DEAD THIS WAY”

“MAYBE IF WE HARMONIZE HE’LL WAKE UP JOINING IN??”

“guys…. he just fainted. Let's take him back to his room.”

“Oh. That’s anticlimactic. So no more staying alive?”

“No more staying alive.”

“Gentlemen we are going to have to ask you guys to leave because you’re being too disruptive towards other patrons.”

Serim and Allen look towards each other, both thinking the exact same thing.  _ Why are we friends with them. _

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))  
> Dw he’s not dead  
> No smut btw they’re m i n o r s 😡  
> Also in no regard am i supporting homophobia, you are loved no matter what you identify as <3  
> Stan cravity for clear skin


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhee being painfully oblivious and in denial: a thread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun reading!

_ What happened? Why are they all leaving me? What did I do? _

_ “Hey, is everything alright? Did I do anything that made you upset?” _

_ “No. I just can’t be with you anymore. Sorry.” _

_ “Wait, please wait! I don’t get what you mean!” _

_ “He told all of us that you liked him. I can’t be around someone who likes another guy. I don’t want to be gay like  _ **_you.”_ **

_ Two beeps. The call was disconnected. It stings. A piece of him, deeply rooted to his heart and identity, was thoroughly hated by everyone around him. Minhee doesn’t blame them for going away. _

_ Three rings. _

_ “Dongpyo, hello?” _

_ Minhee’s greeting was met with two more beeps, then silence. _

_ \--- _

“HELLO??? WAKE UP MINHEE EARTH TO YOU???”

_ God? Is that you?  _

“Oh my gosh thank god you’re awake! You’re finally up!” 

Minhee’s eyes flutter open at the noise, darting around at his surroundings. Same analog clock, same sunny weather, same navy bed sheets, same white IKEA nightstand.  _ It’s another day, routine and monotone. What day is it? I hope my lecture gets cancelled so that I can sleep for another 10 hours.  _ Minhee continues to scan the room, not wanting to get out of his bed quite yet. That is, until he sees a messy head of black hair staring right at him, puppy eyes and pouty lips on full display.

“Ahh! What are you doing here Hyeongjun? Where’s Jungmo?”

Hyeongjun quirks his head to the side, a lopsided smile adorned on his face. He’s wearing a white, short sleeve tee with a small puppy face icon in the center. (which Minhee swears looks exactly like him) It’s cute, too cute, and Minhee feels like an engine accelerating at 100km/h.

“You fainted when we were hanging out. At the boba cafe. Jungmo was taking care of you yesterday, but he had way too many classes today so he asked me to be here! You should be glad,  _ the  _ Song Hyeongjun is tending to your wounds.”

_ What? All of yesterday?  _

“Ha ha, yes very greatly appreciated. Wait whoa.” Minhee’s surprised; his voice is hoarse, the sound scratchy and similar to nails on a chalkboard. He can barely muster a sound, throat swollen and sore.  _ I’ve been demoted to a  _ **_frog_ ** _ god please give me my monkey back -  _

The black-haired boy chuckles at Minhee’s sarcastic banter.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell anyone you had a fever. 39.2 degrees Celsius isn’t exactly the ideal body temperature. Wait a second, I’ll get you some hot water to drink.”

Minhee can’t process.  _ Is it possible to get amnesia at 19 prime years of age? Probably, my brain can’t process a computer science degree and a life. I went to a boba tea shop? I fainted? I’m sick? I have a fever? What happened.  _ When Minhee tries to think, everything is foggy. His sick brain wasn’t exactly functional, and Hyeongjun’s words don’t sound exactly cohesive.

“Here, be careful it’s hot!” Minhee gladly takes the bright mug of steaming hot water into his hands before taking a small sip. He grimaces; though he can’t feel the scalding liquid burn a hole through his throat, it’s still  _ incredibly  _ painful swallowing.

“What happened? I don’t remember anything.”

“Well, it was two days ago. You were acting a little weird at our Java lecture, super stoic and unfocused. I was even wondering, where’d the top student Minhee we all knew go? 

Minhee blushes, fazed by the (indirect) compliment Hyeongjun gave him.  _ He thinks I’m smart? He associates positive attributes with me?  _ He hopes that his fever will cover up the brightening flush of his ears.

“- But, you seemed fine so we went bowling with everyone and then to a boba cafe. I’m not sure what happened, but then you suddenly lost consciousness! Everyone started panicking, Wonjin hyung and Taeyoung even tried doing CPR! I bet they would’ve done mouth to mouth if Serim hyung hadn’t stopped them. Though, it’s somewhat disappointing because that would’ve been hilarious to watch.” 

Minhee’s eyes widen. _A boy, kissing a boy_ _was amusing to Hyeongjun? Did he actually mean those words? He was being sarcastic right? Like a ‘wow this is so gross it’s funny kind of thing”? Yeah, that’s probably accurate. Nobody actually thinks it’d be okay._

“Of course they did that. Was there anything else that I missed?”

Hyeongjun pauses, mouth wide open in thought.

“Yeah! Oh my goodness I completely forgot to mention! I’m going out with Wonyoung, we went on our first date yesterday.”

_ Oh. Right.  _

Everything comes rushing back to Minhee as if someone shot a memory bullet, moments spinning through his eyes in a split second. Them going to a boba cafe, Hyeongjun saying he had been asked out, Hyeongjun blushing about his new love interest, Minhee feeling guilty for prioritizing the worst aspects of himself over Hyeongjun’s best, Minhee having a panic attack and fainting.  ~~ Minhee realizing he actually likes Hyeongjun ~~ . His thoughts feel like acid, corroding his psyche and mental wellbeing.  _ No, no. I don’t like Hyeongjun. I don’t like guys. I am not gay. I am straight. I like girls. I am normal. I am normal. I’ve changed; what was in the past was a fluke.  _

“O-oh wow, good for you! You seem really happy!”

_ Yeah, yesterday was a fluke. I don’t like him. _

“Yeah I am! Minhee, I really can’t explain it. She’s just so perfect. I hope you meet someone like her as well.”

Bittersweet. That sentence was irrevocably, terribly bittersweet. Minhee’s happy. He’s over the moon that his friend finally broke out of his shell and found someone. He’s happy that Hyeongjun is finding his significant other and getting into what seems like a significant relationship. He’s happy that Hyeongjun seems so exuberant by his newfound companion. 

Yet, his heart hurts. His heart hurts that someone else is making Hyeongjun’s face light up. His heart hurts at every subtle touch, every tentative hold of hands, every warm cuddle, every suffocating hug, will never be his. His heart hurts that though not intentionally, Minhee will become a smaller part of his life while Hyeongjun remains a central focal point of his. His heart hurts that Hyeongjun will never see him in a romantic light, but that’s okay because they will only be friends. Everything between them is platonic, and will never step out of those boundaries.

He’s jealous. Hyeongjun’s path to love is easy. He never had to question himself. Like a clear cup of cold water, it’s glaringly transparent and easy to navigate. Sure, there would always be small waves of heartbreak and mistrust, but the water would slowly settle down into calm and serenity. Simple and straightforward. Minhee’s cup though, is swampy and overflowing, seeping into his identity and self-esteem. It’s opaque and grimey looking, equally confusing to figure out. He so desperately wants it to be clear, because he  _ isn’t  _ gay, but the water remains murky, as if something is awry. He knows it’s wrong. He knows it’s  _ sinful  _ and heavily looked down upon. He couldn’t be gay, no matter what.

_ You don’t know if you’re gay. Once you find the perfect girl, you’ll know you aren’t. Even if it’s unclear right now. Just wait. _

Minhee sighs. He knows he could never tell this to Hyeongjun, or anyone else for that matter. Disgusting water be damned, he’ll figure it out himself.

“Well, as long as you’re happy that’s all I care about.” Minhee hopes he doesn’t come off as half-assed.

Hyeongjun smiles, and Minhee desperately wishes he could read what Hyeongjun’s thinking right now.

“All right, well I’m going to make some chicken soup for you. If you don’t get enough food to eat, I might even grow taller than you!” Hyeongjun smirks, standing on his tippy-toes to emphasize his point.

“Yes, because you can grow 10 cm with that miraculous soup of yours. Do I need to report you for steroid abuse?” Minhee knows no bounds into how much he can tease the poor boy.

Hyeongjun playfully scoffs, taken aback from the banter. “Hey! I’m just trying to be nice, paternal vibes and everything! I do not need this toxicity in my life. Security? Take him away.”

\---

So.

Minhee slightly regrets shitting on Hyeongjun’s cooking.

He had his doubts - college boy cooking isn’t exactly the pinnacle of luxury foods - but it was absolutely delicious. The broth is savory, carrots and celery giving a sweet, crunchy note to offset the soft rice. Even Minhee’s dulled sick taste buds were dancing in happiness. He even considered taking a picture and tweeting it to Gordon Ramsay because he knew  _ the  _ Gordon Ramsay would be impressed. (not like Mark’s scrambled egg)  _ Maybe Hyeongjun really put steroids in this, I haven’t had this tasty cooking in a while. _

There was nothing wrong right? Minhee’s expectations were exceeded, and he got to enjoy a wholesome meal. Wrong. He now has to deal with a  cute devilish Hyeongjun, clearly up for vengeance on his previous comments. (a Hyeongjun with glinting eyes is never a good Hyeongjun.)

“It’s good right? I told you!”

Minhee rolls his eyes, not wanting to recede.  _ Damn, of course he had to be good at cooking. I hope I can find someone who can whip up food like this. Not that I want to be with Hyeongjun.  _ Minhee already knew that Hyeongjun was amazing in every aspect possible. Top tier grades, great personality, actually has his shit together - he even has a good sleep schedule. But, he was somewhat hoping to the otherworldly beings that Hyeongjun somehow had a random flaw of making black, charred food every time he touches a pan. It’d make things less confusing.

“It’s good. I bet you really did put something illegal to make it this tasty.”

Hyeongjun laughs, chest puffing up in pride.  _ Cute.  _ He lifts up his spoon, pointing it straight at Minhee’s face and Minhee can feel his personal space bubble popping by this intimidation no jutsu.

“Sure, if chicken stock is illegal. Actually, I put Sodium Chloride in this; I’m a bad bitch and no one can stop me-” 

“Hyeongjun. Sodium Chloride is literally table salt. You are not a bad bitch.” 

His chest de-puffed, posture slumping with a whiny pout etched onto his face. Hyeongjun’s arm flops to the side before resting next to his hip. “Let me have my moment will you? You know, secret FBI top agent Song on the run, pretending to be a college student but secretly spying on the mafia which you are actually a part of?”

“Sure, because the perpetrator would spill his tactics. But yes, I am part of the mafia. Fight me.” Minhee wants to T-pose to try and win the conversation, but the poodle-like boy had already dropped the topic. 

“Whatever. I’ll forgive you if you say my cooking is good.”

Minhee can  _ hear  _ Hyeongjun pouting, duck face and everything. “It really is. Tastes like my mom’s.”

Hyeongjun gasps in shock, making an overly dramatic reaction. He stumbles back, trembling hands next to his mouth. Typical diva behavior.

“Wow I’m so honored,  _ the  _ Kang Minhee complimented me. I should’ve recorded it and sent it to Jungmo-hyung, his reaction would be to  _ die  _ for.”

Minhee groans. “Please don’t, I will never hear the end of him if you do. He’d probably be like ‘Wow, of course Minhee doesn’t appreciate his favorite hyung enough.’ And then I’d have to bribe him with some Koo level food before he forgives me! My broke college ass can’t even afford a normal meal, let alone some fancy lobster dish Jungmo will make me buy.” He sounds annoyed ( _ shit)  _ but Minhee’s ecstatic that the boy has stopped sulking. KM compliments are a rare award, after all.

“Haha yeah, your secret is safe with me!”

They smile at each other, noses scrunched, heads slightly shaking. The conversation is over - and a comfortable silence fills the room as they finish their meal, along with the occasional coughs. That is, until Hyeongjun speaks up, hands fumbling over one another. That can’t be good.

“Just wondering, would you be willing to go out with someone? 

Minhee stills.  _ What?  _ Minhee didn’t know what he was expecting, judging by Hyeongjun’s uneasy look, but setting him up for a blind date? Definitely not within his scope of imagination. Heck, Hyeongjun could tell him that he actually  _ was  _ an FBI agent and Minhee would find it more believable.

“I-I mean, Wonyoung said that her best friend has the  _ fattest  _ crush on you. She’s really nice, I think you two would be really great together! Her name is Ahn Yujin, you probably know her. I’ll be your wingman the whole way through! So, what do you say?”

Ahn Yujin. She’s nice. Like Wonyoung, many guys fawn over Yujin’s charm, and now Minhee has the ‘dream’ opportunity. He doesn’t know much about her, but she seemed like someone he would click with, being much more outspoken than him. He should be joyous: someone, actually liking that braincell of his? Ooga booga brain and everything? Plus even  _ Hyeongjun  _ approves of her, so there’s nothing to worry about. This is what Minhee wanted - the opportunity to meet a really special girl, then fall in love and forget about the past.

But, it hurts. He’s mad at his heart for hurting. It shouldn’t mean anything that it’s coming from Hyeongjun, because he’s  _ just  _ a friend. And friends do that all the time right? It’s like a bro code: you help each other find love whilst still being with one another.

So, there really wasn’t anything stopping him. He’s attracted to females, single, and not particularly against joining a relationship,  ~~ even if  _ he  _ ~~ ~~wasn’t the one~~.

“Sure, why not?”

Hyeongjun beams at him in excitement, and Minhee can’t help but feel a little queasy.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyeongjun being an FBI agent tho? A real concept  
> Minisong moments allow me to breathe :)


	3. *** NOTICE ***

Hey guys!

First of all, thank you SO much to everyone that has read whatever this mess of a story is.

It has come to my attention (after rereading) that I really am not satisfied with how I wrote the first two chapters. I just feel like it could be more nuanced, more complex, and better in general.

And for that reason, I am going to halt updates for this fiction. I’m so sorry to everyone anticipating an update; it is my greatest intention to post work which I am actually proud of and this isn’t that.

I’m going to rewrite the first two chapters (no plot changes, just make it better) No worries, I have absolutely no intention of stopping this (yes I will finish this... somehow...) I’m just not going to update it for a while.

I do have another one-shot which I’m working on so I’ll hopefully post that soon, and I will take down this message when I have everything sorted out for this.

But for now, thank you for bearing with me, and I’ll try to have better writing out!


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